The Junk Room

In the house that I grew up in we had what we called "the junk room." This room contained all kinds of stuff. Both forgotten and not. I used to want to go through everything in there but was forbidden. Understandably so. Today, that room haunts me. It's really odd. I have weird dreams about that room. The most recent dream was that I needed to go to the house and get something and there was a small baby boy crying in that room. I was afraid to touch him because I knew that I would want to keep him if I did. And sometimes when I'm not thinking of anything in particular an image of that room and what it used to look like will just pop up into my head. The room no longer exists, in fact, the whole house doesn't exist anymore. Did I leave something in that room? I don't know. Is it just that it was forbidden? It wasn't always. It used to be our living room. We moved from that house when I was a senior in high school. I didn't want to move. I grieved that house. It was built in 19oo and something. By bedroom was 15 X 15 with 12 foot ceilings. The hallway was 9 feet wide and 30 feet long. It had hard wood floors and fire places in all 4 of the front rooms. The porch was deep and stretched across the entire front of the house. The attic was extremely interesting to me. I was never allowed to go up there but I would sneak up there and pretend that it was my room. But that front room to the left as you walked into the house is what I think of most. I'm sure somewhere deep in my sub-conscience I may have left some sort of childhood memory that I'm trying to get back or re-create. Isn't that how psychology works? Maybe it's just that I feel that I have a lot of junk (figuratively and literally) that I need to clear out. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll figure it out.

When God speaks you better listen or get knocked off your feet

Today I was knocked off my feet...again. Before my Dad was diagnosed with Leukemia there was a certain song stuck in my head. I truly love the song and part of the lyrics goes a little something like this:

"When my world is shaking heaven stands. And when my heart is breaking I never leave your hands."

The song is called, "Hands" by J.J. Heller. Beautiful song. In any case, the song was stuck in my head and I sang it over and over again. Then I needed those words. I needed the truth of them. I needed to be held because my world was shaking really bad. I'm a daddy's girl to the Nth degree. Once I heard the diagnosis then another part of the song was replaying over and over in my head, "The hands that shape the world are holding me, they hold me still." I truly believe that God is in control.

Today...On my way to meet Dustin and his mom for lunch I heard another song that I really like. The song is "I will praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns. The chorus goes a little something like this:

"I will praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands. You are who you are no matter where I am. Every tear I cry you hold in your hands. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm."

Without me really paying attention I felt myself honing in on those words. I should have known another quake was coming...
Ms. Angie told us that Dustin's dad has prostate cancer. The same rock in my gut that I felt the day I heard about my dad came back. I fought back tears like a desperate mother trying to save her child. I was screaming inside. Mostly for my husband. He thinks the world of his dad. He was stoic but I saw him falling apart and not wanting to ask the questions that he had for fear of losing composure in a public place. I rubbed his back but all he would do was stare straight ahead. She told us that they caught it early and that he has a lot of options. He will be going to Jacksonville to talk about these options with a specialist. Ms. Angie told us not to worry about him but that she felt an odd sense of peace about everything.
I know that God is in control but my problem is that I want to dictate that control. NO ONE in my family should have to deal with such a vicious monster such as cancer! And this is the part where I need the most help. Letting go and letting God do what he does best. After all Father truly does know best.

Life in Florida

I love living here. I don't miss my home town just the people there. I've tried several times to get my folks to move here but they will not. All hope was shot down when my parents bought a beautiful place on West Point Lake. I'm glad they have it because now when we visit we all (Dustin, Drew and me along with David, Susanna and Wheeler AND Mom and Dad) have our own space. Three stories and 4000 square feet of our own space.
I still love living in Florida. I was trying to move to FL when I met Dustin. Then when he came home one day, after we were married, and told me that he got a job in Panama City I had the house packed in 3 days. The only problem with that was that we had 3 weeks to move. So we survived the rest of the time on take out food because I packed away all the pots and pans. We moved into his parent's weekend place on Crystal Lake and put our house on the market. We only had to bring our clothes from GA because the house we moved into was fully furnished. After a year and a half on the market the house finally sold. We had 2 offers and took both of them. The first offer fell through and when the second offer came we jumped on it. I have to say that we jumped on it hesitantly because the people buying the house wanted all of the furniture too. The bedroom suite that I'd had since I was 12, a hand-me-down bed that Dustin's parents gave to him along with some older furniture and even the couch that Dustin had had since college. I really think that the people buying it really just wanted the pool table. It was a gorgeous Brunswick circa 1995. They even made sure that we left the art work on the walls in the game room. All of which came from Big Lots! Whatever, the house sold. By that time we had Drew and were busting at the seams in the tiny house we were in and needed somewhere to put our roots. We researched and and worked with Wilma Taylor, our realtor, to find the house that we finally bought. I love this house. It has all the space that we needed and a playground in the back yard! It has room to park a boat, when ever we decide to buy one and a cute little courtyard in the front of the house. Gorgeous azaleas and crepe myrtles and palm trees. We even had space to put in a garden! The only furniture that we had when we moved in was Drew's bedroom suite. We really had to buckle down and find some really good deals on stuff because on top of buying a house we had to completely furnish it. Master bedroom suite, couch, chair and ottoman, rocker/recliner, coffee table, rug, TV, credenza, guest bedroom suite, dining room table and chairs, table and mirror for entry, sofa table, book shelves and a new pool table. These are all of the things that we got on our very limited budget. With Gods help we made it all work.
I'm a stay at home mom now and wouldn't have it any other way. There is so much more to do here and so many more opportunities for us and for Drew here that were not available to us in GA or AL. There are 3 parks within walking distance of our house. Not to mention the mini park in our back yard. We are so close to town that it only takes 15-20 minutes to get anywhere I need to go. It takes less than 5 minutes to get to a grocery store. The church we are going to join is a straight shot from the house and the people there are phenomenal! We have a small group meeting every Wednesday night and love being a part. During the summer both Pier Park on the beach and the city of Lynn Haven have free concert series'. Lynn Haven has theirs on Tuesday night's and Pier Park has theirs on Thursday nights. Drew loves going to these events. He gets to run around and play and wear himself out. The music is usually good and the breezes can't be beat.
We have really good friends here and not to mention a lot of family that live close by. I've always lived close to family and I'm not sure I could survive if we moved somewhere they weren't. Dustin's family is so much like my family it's almost scary. I dearly love my in-laws. I know you don't hear that often but I truly do. In fact my mother-in-law is who I hang out with the most. If I don't talk to her at least twice a week then Drew and I go visit her. I truly, truly love it here.
I guess I've rambled enough for one day. Besides, I've got cookies to make for small group tonight.

Failure to Thrive

This is not something that anyone wants to hear about their child. I have 3 pieces of paper with these words written on them. All of them are orders from the local Pediatric GI Specialist that I'm to take to the local hospital to have tests run on my sweet son. He's going on 17 months now and is still hovering around 19 or 20 pounds. No one seems to know why. They will be testing him for Cystic Fibrosis (all of the nurses that I've talked to says that he shouldn't have it because usually there's so much fluid on the lungs that you can hear a cystic fibrosis patient breathing down a hallway...Drew's not a heavy breather), Celiac disease which an autoimmune disease that affects the intestinal lining due to eating gluten and the last thing that he will be tested for is hydrocephalus which means that he may have water or fluid on the brain. I don't think that he has this last one because everything that I've read about the signs and symptoms do not apply to Drew. Signs and symptoms include: irritability, seizures, separated sutures, sleepiness and vomiting. Drew is a very happy-go-lucky kid and has never suffered from a seizure. Separated sutures...I guess that means where the skull fuses together in spots...Drew seems to have a pretty solid skull. He's hit it enough that I'm pretty sure he's as hard headed as both his mom and dad. Sleepiness...he's very energetic and sleeps 8-10 hours a night and takes one 2-3 hour nap during the day. Vomiting...the only time he vomited recently was when he ran a temp of 105. Other than that, he doesn't vomit. I feel pretty good about the tests coming up negative but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up. The rug upon which I stand tends to be yanked out from underneath when my hopes get too lofty.
What really gets me about this is that I feel like I've done something wrong here. I've been told time and time again that there's nothing I can do or could have done. But there's always that nagging feeling in my gut that I just haven't done enough or that I should have done something different. This is so MADDENING! I've cried, I've lost sleep, I've cried some more. I've put it in God's hands, I've taken it back only to find that the weight of it all is too much for me. I give it back to God because he alone has the answers that I seek.
It is time for me to "be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10