Life's Healing Choices

This semester our church is doing a small group study on a book by John Baker called, "Life's Healing Choices: Freedom From Your Hurts, Hang-ups and Habits."   We have been asked to write down or journal throughout the study.  I'll be using this as my "journal."
The first step to R.E.C.O.V.E.R.Y. is: 
Realize I'm not God.  I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
The beatitude that corresponds to this is, "Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor."  My reality choice is admitting need.
There are 5 questions in the book that I'm going to attempt to answer to the best of my ability.  This is a very difficult step for me as I have a real problem that I need anything.  In my mind I can control myself and pretty much my surroundings. (I've got a lot to learn here.)

1.  What people, places, or things do you have the power to control?  I can sit here and tell you that I can control what I do but in reality I can't.  I have very little will power and most of my decisions not only affect me but my family as well.  I can sit here and tell you that I can control the temperature of my house but in reality if the unit breaks I'm powerless.  I can sit here and tell you that I can control my movements but the twitching in my left eye proves me otherwise.  I can't control anyone or anything.  This is scary for me to admit.

2.  What people, places, or things have you been attempting to control?  (Be specific)  I have attempted to control my son and his temper.  HA!  At a year and a half years old I may have met my match as far as a battle of wills is concerned.  I have attempted to control God by begging, threatening, and bargaining for the lives of all of my loved ones who have died and for those fighting to stay alive.  I make promises that I can never keep.  I get angry and refuse to speak to God because I think that I know better than He.  The more I write the more I think that I sound like my son and me in a battle of wills.  I know that God has my better interests in mind but I don't want to admit it.

3.  Describe how you try to control your image, other people, your problems, and your pain.  I try to control my image by talking up my accomplishments and never mentioning my faults.  I  try to control others by manipulation.  Such as I may try to make someone feel sorry for me in order to get my way.  Or maybe make them feel bad for asking me to do something that I don't want to do.  I try to control my problems by virtually dismissing or ignoring them.  I try to control my pain by eating.  I've recently discovered that I'm a stress eater...and it shows.

4.  Write down how the fear, frustration, fatigue, and failures of trying to be the general manager of the universe has affected your relationships with God and others.  Fear, frustration, fatigue and failure manifests in me as anger.  I'm angry a lot because I want to be in control and I'm afraid that I'm not.  I want to be able to control losing 12 loved ones in 10 years.  I want to be able to control the leukemia in my Dad.  I want to be able to control the happiness of my family so that they NEVER have to feel the pain of losing anyone to cancer, alcoholism, or dementia.  I want to control my friendships so that I never have to lose another friend.  I want to control all of their hurts, hang-ups and habits so that they become non existent.  But alas, my plan will not glorify God.  I HAVE lost family despite all of my efforts.  And I HAVE lost friends because of my attempts to control.

5.  What specific hurts, hang-ups, or habits have you been denying?  Eating!  I eat and eat and cannot control it.  In my attempts to control everything else I guess I feel like I have to let loose somewhere and this is it.